i know.

Hope… this word has become a pretty frequent one since my accident. “There’s no hope of walking”, “there is hope of walking”, “we hope you’ll walk” and so on. As encouraging it might be to be told you have hope of accomplishing the seemingly impossible, how long is it before we need to transition from hoping to knowing?
Hope begins as such an optimistic word but eventually, with time, it becomes one of doubt and question. Like, you can only hope because you believe there is a chance of failure, a chance that the seemingly impossible won’t happen. How can the impossible even have the chance of manifesting if you do not absolutely believe, absolutely know that it will?!
Ok, so I don’t exactly know when you make the transition between hoping and knowing, but I think without it we’re stuck. Hope might be what gets you started or what keeps you going, but there comes a time when it’s no longer enough. I felt like while I was just hoping, I was somehow regretting every day I didn’t accomplish my goal of walking. These days I feel good, enjoying my days at mostly full energy. I figure it’s because I’m totally ok with where I am. Of course I want to walk, but right now, today, I am where I need to be. I KNOW that the day will come that I will walk and be independent so until then, I’m here, doing my best with no regrets…
I’m not sure how much sense this all made, but it was just… an idea.

LOVE.JULIA.

Confession
After my accident, my doctors and hospital counselors encouraged me to go to school. At the time, I laughed, “ya right, I’m just going to do physical therapy and then get back to life”. After some badgering, I decided it wasn’t such a bad idea and compromised by taking online classes. All of a sudden people were ‘inspired’ by me, “it’s so amazing that you went back to school after such an accident!” HAHA! Like being paralyzed gives me an excuse to be uneducated. Anyways, all this time I’ve stayed out of sight from my fellow colleagues, hiding behind a computer screen in the comfort of my cozy home. Next semester, I don’t get away so easily. I start taking classes on campus… I’m TERRIFIED. Ok, maybe not that bad but it’s definitely an anxiety that pops up in my unforgiving, relentless mind. I just figured that by the time I had to actually show up to school, I’d be back up on my feet, wishful thinking I suppose. No more hiding. Even though I proceeded with school, I was cheating, hiding from the world. Sheltering myself from what the typical college student experiences. As much as I try to decorate the truth, the reality is I put my life on hold.
Breathheeeeee. Here I come world.

LOVE.JULIA.

some healing.

Lalalaaaa….

There are a lot of different things that I do in the name of my healing.  One, I drink a stewed concoction filled with intensely odd ingredients, mostly plants, sometimes sand (?!) or even insects (?!).  I go into a small Chinese herb store in San Francisco that is barely maneuverable with my wheel chair, ram packed with different goodies like dries mushrooms the size of my head.  I visit an old man, Dr. Zhang, who was a respected physician in his country, but now sits in at a rusty metal desk and a fold out chair with a wristwatch with frayed wristband that is propped on the desk to read the time.  He gives me a gentle smile and asks to see my wrist so he can check my pulse and then asks to see my tongue.  I do as I am told, every time amazed that that is all he requires to come up with a combination of herbs that differ for every visit.  It takes about 15 minutes and 3 people to put all the ingredients together.  I let this potent mix stew for an hour on the stove, which becomes about a cup of muddy water which I hold my breath and gulp down, begging my mom to give me something to put in my mouth to cover the taste.  This is all supposed to help the circulation of my blood, which is vital for cell renewal. 

Another form of therapy, that I much rather prefer is animal therapy ;)  This adorable pup is Gizmo, a half chow chow half kelpie mix that a friend’s auntie just invited into her family.  In some spare time, I like to go visit animals that provide a healing for my soul.  Everything is revealed without words.  Animals don’t need words to fill spaces of silence and don’t need compliments to feed the ego and it is so comfortable.  There is no judgment, there is no expectation, there is only the sharing of true self. 

These are just a couple of things I use to heal.  That’s just starters ;)

LOVE.JULIA.

:|

Blah… ever feel like that? Like all your efforts are amounting to nothing?
Well, tell your mind to shut up!
Well, if you can’t tell, I’m having a hard time doing so myself. Without realizing, I attach myself to the outcomes of things, so when I stop and THINK (that’s the key word here….), I haven't gotten to where I want to, I feel like all my hard work hasn't paid off , it makes me think…”what good is all of this? Maybe I should just give up…” All of this of course I realize are just the ramblings of my mind, but exactly this knowledge is the cause of frustration too. I know these thoughts mean nothing; I know they are not true, so why can’t I just make them go away? Just go away!!
I always made deadlines for my recovery… first was by my birthday, then Christmas/ new years, then by my brother’s graduation, and that was suppose to be the end of it. One after the other I failed to reach the deadlines or even close to a full recovery, but my 21st birthday on 10/10/10 just seemed so inviting… I thought maybe a miracle… maybe some energetic phenomenon that would throw me back on my feet… nothing happened. Nevertheless I fully enjoyed my shared birthday with my dad and moved forward. Deadlines have proved to be nothing more than disappointments. My recovery is not on a timeline. It’ll happen when it happens…
--
Confession
Shoes… I miss shoes. I miss dressing up, finding cute clothes for great deals. I miss finding the perfect pair of heels that make your whole body and image shift. I’ve spent the last year and a half wearing nothing but sweat pants, a t-shirt and new balance sneakers…that I had to specifically buy a wide size so my feet don't get soars from swelling… no purses to accessorize, no oversized jewelry…no more fashion. I know all of this sounds so shallow, so insignificant… but I miss it…

LOVE.JULIA.

Epictecus

It is not he who reviles or strikes you who insults you, but your opinion that these things are insulting.

Make the best use of what is in your power, and take the rest as it happens.

Epictetus (AD 55–AD 135) was a Greek Stoic philosopher.


This is just a little food for thought.

LOVE.JULIA.

In the blink of an eye...

'Life can change in a blink of an eye', what a cliché, we've all heard this saying. It sure is a cliché and is always set aside as one. For it to become a cliché, though, it has to be pretty true doesn't it? Enough people have had to have experienced this 'blink of an eye' change for this saying to even exist... You'd think a house falling on my car and smashing my spinal cord, leaving me paralyzed would have been that defining moment, making this saying true, but it wasn't quite that. Yes, my world did change, my life was flipped around, but I have nothing but to live on.
Just the other day I had been given this weight, this heaviness that lingered with me throughout the day and still seems to be in the air. A family friend, a boy who I ran around with in elementary school passed away. The doctors had no diagnosis, all they knew was that it was degenerative... I hadn't seen Christopher for years as I traveled around the world for my dad's job, but when he passed away, he had lost the ability to speak, to eat or to do anything for himself, but his mind was all there. This boy who was just as any other child, playing without a care in the world, slowly had everything taken from him; he had to watch his body slowly deteriorate. He passed away the other night for no known reason. I met with hid mother, sister and grandmother, they spoke of how they had planned all the years ahead, how his mom and dad were prepared to care for him until they were in their 70s, how they were planning to meet with specialists that might be able to help... All of that vanished... Everything they had worked around is now gone. I couldn't help but feel this sorrow. I could feel their emptiness, I could feel christopher's pain. There were no words of consolation I could offer. Instead I left with a portable ramp that Christopher had been using that they no longer needed.
When my accident first happened, I couldn't move, I couldn't eat, I couldn't speak and relied on everyone for everything. I couldn't communicate my needs, I couldn't communicate my gratitude, which was probably one of the more painful things. I was totally coherent but couldn't express myself, which was a main source of frustration. But I have slowly regained things, I am on the path towards recovery. I cannot even imagine going in the opposite direction. Christopher, I hope that now you are free from your suffering... You lived good, now rest. Rest in peace, Christopher Hwang.
I kept catching myself planning or trying to decide based on things that had not happened. You can't plan everything. You can't plan most things, definitely not things 30years down the line. Anything can happen. I was planning to be at a four year college by now, my goal is to become independent again, something I hadn't even considered the possibility of losing. 'oh no, My mom might move back to japan next year', me walking could be just as likely. What I'm trying to say is, you never know, so just go with it. You can plan all you like, but things always change. How about this, you can have an IDEA of what you might like, but always being open to something different. The future is never going to be exactly what you like because you're thinking, now of how it has to be. NOW is the only thing you can be sure of, so enjoy it.
'if you haven't haven't found happiness on the way, you won't find it at the end'
LOVE.JULIA.

ah ha.

So, for once I thought I should write a follow up. I noticed I’m not too good at that hehe. Well, for now, there’s no dog. My mother didn't speak to me for a couple days unless she wanted me to do something; this ends up pretty awkward as we can’t totally avoid each other’s spaces since I require quite...intimate help. I was totally confused, why is she the angry one when I’M the one being denied what I am asking for. I could have stayed stubborn and continued the silence game, but I chose a different route, compassion. I bought her a bouquet of sunflowers and apologized. I apologized? Well, I didn't do anything wrong, I’m the victim right? Wrong. It’s neither right nor wrong, actually. Here’s how I figure; her feelings are valid, regardless of rationale. That fact that she feels pressured or like the dog is going to be a whole ton of stress is real. Although she’s just created pictures in her head, she doesn't feel good inside. I accepted that the dog was out of the question and pushing it further would have only lessened the likelihood further. Things have returned to its usual peace and the topic of the dog was brought up my mom herself and she saw my point of view. We’ve come to the agreement that the dog will come when we move to a house, which we are in the process of searching for. Sure I didn't get exactly what I wanted but I minimized the time of misery by simply thinking about her feelings and ended with a reasonable compromise.

So we don't always get our way but another person’s feelings are just as real as your own, even if they are different. What a concept, huh? ;) I could have continued our battle but how can I expect her to understand me when I’m not trying to do the same for her? I tried to be understanding and I got understanding back. Mission accomplished.

LOVE.JULIA.

Weeee life.

The past couple weeks have been pretty miraculous, my dad and brother were in town, we enjoyed a trip to Mt. Shasta and met wonderful people, I got to spend me and my dad's birthday together and there were just little things that seemed too perfect to be coincidences.  It was all just pretty magical.  I eased up the reigns on myself and took a few days off physical therapy and had a chance to relax and enjoy myself. So then here it goes...my brother left on the 15th, my dad left on the 17th and now there is chaos. I struggled the day my dad left, feeling like I was some sort of a pit stop in everyone's life.  Someone you see in your spare time before your actual plans, someone you just say hi to when you're on vacation.  Once that's done you go on with your life as you would.  When do I get a vacation?  Where's my day off from having to have someone shove a plastic tube up my pee hole?  Do I get a day where I don't have to go down half a block to get onto a sidewalk because there's only one slope ramp per block? Alright alright so I threw myself a pity party and I know this isn't really the reality of it all but I was feeling down on myself.  At the end of the day I'm only complaining about the things I'm going to live with anyway.
Well the Sunday passed and I had the opportunity of meeting a lady who trains service dogs (which I was prepared to wait on a 2-5year waiting list for).  The thing is, these dogs are hard to come by and by chance I got to meet a lady who has a dog available for me immediately!  My mother, my carer definitely wasn't as excited.  After countless discussion, my reasoning never accomplished to mean anything as a terrible reality of how things MIGHT was developed in her mind. I love this woman to death and don't even have the words to express my awe and gratitude for her love and devotion.  Unfortunately as I've found with anyone who is fixed in their mind, there is no convincing them otherwise.  This was the first time we had flown back in time to when we used to fight all the time (which consists of major guilt tripping on her end and nods of defeat and tears from my end).  I guess I just don't understand how catastrophic adding a service dog to the picture is. I had never objected with what she wanted, avoiding confrontation and unneeded argument. I thought our relationship had improved, and it has but not to the extent I had imagined, as our peace was kept through avoidance and not communication.  For the first time I was truly passionate enough about something that I thought it was worthy of stirring up conflict. Things didn't go as I'd hoped but I'm still open to the possibility of change. Keep you posted.

LOVE.JULIA. 

gratitude, smiles and an illuminating full moon

Emotions have been kept away
Shhhh.
What am I hiding from?

It’s totally ok to feel. As frivolous as that may sound, I had simply forgotten. I hold my composure, not expressing too much. Not joy, not suffering, not even anger. I’ve become a master of masking emotion. Why?
I can’t even surrender to myself. I am the only one stopping me.
I burst out of my introvert shell and shared my love and caring feelings the other night, no expectations. It felt great. Silly how simple. I’d imagine it to be like walking around blind and suddenly deciding to simply open your eyes. Duh, I knew that's what my eyes were for, all I had to do was what was natural. The whole experience ended in gratitude, smiles and an illuminating full moon. There’s already enough judgment, I’ll just embrace the love.

LOVE.JULIA.

At times...

I rarely feel defeated. There are not a lot of instances that remind me that I am, in fact paralyzed. This past Tuesday was a rare occurrence where Tommy (my caregiver/friend) didn’t hear his alarm and did not show up to drive me to physical therapy… it just happened to be that day that I decided to go down to the car on my own to wait for his arrival, which I later realized was not going to happen. I sat there helpless, waiting on the service of another person to get to where I needed to be. I am forced to face the fact that ultimately my actions depend on others. This is one of the few instances that made me feel defeated. It had been a while since I had felt the moist trickle of a tear down my cheek.

LOVE. JULIA.

...

After I pushed away from friends, I’ve found myself back, listening to everyone’s problems and how everything’s falling apart for them. My not-so-compassionate self had repelled all these people, a part of me thinking their problems were less than the obvious struggles I have, thinking what kind of nerve they had to confide in me their superficial problems. At the present time, I find myself humbled, appreciating the fact that they do not see my obvious surface struggle and open their hearts to me as no other than a friend, a person. I can see that no struggle is more or less than another; they are struggles whichever way you look at it.

LOVE.JULIA.

Gratitude..

Life worth living, is something I’ve been repeatedly asking myself since I saw Doron Friday morning… I haven’t quite found the answer. I’m trying to find that reason that doesn't include “for ____”. It’s easy to say your life is for someone, but what makes you live for you? How can you be truly happy if you haven’t found that? I think that’s a link I’m missing to my progress. I can think of plenty of people I live for and I merely find tactics to cope with life.
How was Siddhartha so sure of himself and still able to get off track? Left with no sense of purpose.
Gratitude…if we are dead, does that even matter any more? Gratitude is a feeling right? Which means it comes from our mind? Does that mean it dies when our body dies?

What do people live for? That’s not work, family, friends, their car or anything materialistic for that matter? What is their purpose? I mean, their true purpose, one that their mind hasn't assigned to them.

Walking wont give a reason to live. Why do I want it so badly? Why do I want to be independent so badly? What is the attachment? The thing is, none of this REALLY matters. No matter how much emphasis I put on these things, my now doesn't change. I am still paralyzed. I am still dependent. I don't know that it is going to stay this way, but it is my now.

I’m not inspiration. I do what I have been given the opportunity to do. This is how I show my gratitude.

Maybe a life worth living is just a life you can be grateful for. I mean, why wouldn't you want to live if you felt grateful for everything you had?


[[this next paragraph was something i wrote maybe a week ago-- shows that without the practice of this awareness, one can become easily lost]]

!! I had a flash of clarity today.
We’ve often spoken about appreciating everything you have, right now, gratitude for it all. I understood this, I understand it. Directly related to this, though is no expectation! Our fault is when we are so used to something that we expect it to always be there and when we lose it, our lives are disturbed. It truly is about gratitude! When a faucet is turned on, we expect water to flow, but it’s not SUPPOSED to flow, it’s been perfectly designed to do this for our convenience. Aaaaaaaa, a sigh of relief.


LOVE.JULIA.

you.me.love.

People judge. I judge. I judge the people who judge. I judge them for judging. I sit there and contemplate why they are being so judgmental, but I then I move myself to a cloud above and see I am doing the same thing in which I am associating negativity with.


It’s all about compassion. When we’re faced with someone who is passionate about a feeling they have, why fill yourself with negativity by being disagreeable? Being understanding is one of the biggest challenges. We tend to take things so personally and get upset—let me tell you it’s not worth it. ‘Cause really, why are you so upset? Why is it so important?

---


Maybe I don't get so passionately upset because I don't get passionately happy. I strive to be happy with me. Not with celebrities, sports teams or writers; these are not me. I am not trying to be anyone. I don't want people to be me. I don't want anyone to follow. I am not a leader. I'm not looking for power. I'm not trying to influence anyone. We are all just beings of love.

jumbled words.

Blank…
I’m actually brought here to this page in slight chaos… don't get me wrong, there have been no mishaps, no tragedies, just every day come and gone. Not happy, but that doesn't make me sad. Not excited, but not bummed. I just am… just here… just me. I’m not quite sure what that means but it’s made me more aware. When I put it like this it sounds so… general? I guess I’ve been given a prescription for my eyes to see our reality in clarity.

I’m really struggling to get this concept across.

We are so diverse. There are people consumed in the world of materialism while there are people who think they’re above it all and think they are saving the world by driving a Prius. There is the confident, the weak, the cruel, the kind, but that’s not even the point really… when all is said and done, these are all just words we have created to describe whatever it may be. We’ve associated everything with good, bad, pretty, ugly and on and on. Really, what are we doing? If these can just be left as words and not emotionally charged words we’d be set. Here we are getting upset over things because of the associations we’ve made with them.

Bleh… what do I know anyway? I’m just trying to get through this life in one piece.

LOVE.JULIA.

Horse, all there is is horse

Sit comfortably and close your eyes. Breathe. Now breathe a little deeper. Knowing that Julia loves animals, I offer her to bring an animal into the vision of her mind. "Choose your favorite animal", I ask. "One that you really can feel love towards".

Breathing deeply as the image appears and becomes clearer.” Start with the head, and notice every detail of the animal. See the eyes, the fur, and the ears...keep going and really get to know this animal. Then follow the rest of the body. See every bit of the animal. Once the image is clear, once you can feel as if it is right there in front of you, keep it within the mind, maybe between the eyebrows, around the third eye."
Some silence, and time for deepening the image. Really allowing the image to fill up the whole concentration of the mind and all of its space. Dropping into this image, so that all that there exists is this animal. In Julia's case it's horse. As the mind drifts away, we return to horse. And again horse. Seeing it clearly, a sense of love and joy may appear.

Another thought might come in, and we return to horse, just horse. With practice we learn to tap into this deeper experience of concentration and content. Over time the image becomes more and more familiar associated with a good feeling, with calmness and relaxation. The image of the animal makes it easier to return to this state of clam and focus. We learn that just by bringing horse to mind, the signals of centeredness, focus, love ease etc. will be “attached” to the image. The mind will obey and release faster. When a distraction happens in life, we just drop into horse. Now every time the mind is agitated, all we need to do is close the eyes for a moment and return to horse. A sense of allowing, letting horse be, without interruptions.

I am a soldier... at battle with my own mind...

LOVE.JULIA.

Time?

Times moving faster than my recovery... Like I'm not keeping up or something.

It's too fast...

LOVE.JULIA.

Once upon a time...

La la lalaaaaaaa. Each day begins and ends with nothing memorable that happens, leaving no recollection of the days gone by. Every so often, though we are hit in the back of the head between the beginning and the end of the day that alters your whole universe. It’s almost like a time bomb whose fuse is a change in our actions and without that change… tick tick tick BOOM.

Prior to my ‘boom’, instability would probably be the best word to describe me and the life I lived, but lets just start at 6 months prior. This was the perfect example of flying in and out of days that have just become a blur. Work, school, work, play, work, school, work, play… a splash of petty female drama here and there and there you’ve got my blur. Life feels meaningless, it’s seizes to be life, but simply existence at this point. Before all this, I spent the summer with confidence; click clacking my high heals all over Tokyo, promoting myself as a model. My future seemed so bright but I lost track and got sucked into the tornado of the busy world. A handful of painkillers were supposed to do the trick but it turned out to be a pathetic attempt that left me with an unaffordable hospital bill. To be honest, if you were to ask me now why I did it, I wouldn't have any satisfying answer. I don't believe there is any explanation that anyone who has thought of death could give that another person would fully understand. No matter how insignificant the reason for the pain may seem, the pain itself is unchangeable.

A couple months of building myself back up took place until that day that altered my whole universe came along on February 28th, 2009. There aren’t many dates I remember. It hasn't been too many years since I remembered the birthdays of my family members. I experienced my own Big Bang that created my universe. Better yet, put me back into the universe. Until then, I fought the universe and it’s vibration of love, which I have been knocked right back into.

Will be continued…

LOVE.JULIA.

I am my own disaster, as much as I am my own masterpiece.

I originally thought to write to release some anger and throw a pity party for myself… I woke up this morning feeling hopeless. I have days like this where I lay in bed waiting to be seated in my electric wheelchair, imagining, wishing I could get up and get on with my day at my own will. But of course I, with the weight of my motionless body am left staring at the textured ceiling I become so familiar with. “Why must I endure a life of total dependency?” is one of the many thoughts that race through my mind.

Then, I am subtly reminded of the blessings in my life as my mother greets me, ready to take on another day of assisting me. I have a mother who has left behind her life in Japan without a moment of hesitation to devote her life to be my arms and legs for as long as I need her.

I must take this as a gift, a gift of time with my mother I had neglected all these years. I have been given an opportunity to create an unbreakable bond with the woman who gave me life. We are now both fighting for this life.

Yes, this is not the life I dreamed of, nor is it hers or anyone else’s for that matter, but this is the challenge that we have been faced with. We are left with no choice but to strive. We are our own disaster as much as we are our own masterpiece. Lets not dwell on the things we have been given no choice for… our minds are our own, how will you choose to feed it?

Happy Mother’s Day.

LOVE.JULIA.

When marvelous days follow marvelous days I feel as though writing them devalues them in some way. No combination of words can recreate the feelings that were experienced during the day.

Often times we set goals for ourselves that take time hard work to attain. When these goals are met we are excited about this miracle. What gets us down though is that nothing huge and exciting happens all the time and those times are miserable because we don't see a huge change. I guess what I’m trying to get at is that it is only miserable if we choose to disregard all the little miracles that are constantly occurring around us. Doron spoke to me of how even recognizing how amazing it is that he can hop in a vehicle and steer the wheel to move it how he pleases is a miracle. After this I tried to be more aware, more grateful for each accomplishment, for each miracle.

Yesterday I was able to unzip my own jacket and took it off (it may have taken 10-15 minutes, it was an accomplishment nonetheless). A few days prior, I was able to drink soup out of a bowl by holding it in my own hands.




Gratitude for the little things makes hard life not so hard...

LOVE.JULIA.

let me sleep.

Mornings are the hardest. In my dreams I get to play the piano, run, swim, dance…even go to the bathroom on my own. In an instant, paralysis takes over as I am brought back to reality. Every morning feels like my body is being taken from me for the first time. Let me sleep; don't wake me from the reality I so badly want to be true.
I wish I could enjoy my sleep like this every night but of course a lot of nights I am left lying in bed, eyes wide open, forced to face the fact that I am to stay in whatever awkward position that my body spasms decide to throw me into. Breathe…that’s all I can do. My mind is what defines moments like these as ‘powerless’. ‘Just let me sleep…please’ are the words that occupy my head. My greatest challenge is not to walk but to silence my mind, and then not walking won’t be so bad.
Life…

LOVE.JULIA.

How can I not be attached to my intentions?

In the beginning of class, many times we bring the hands to the heart, and set an intention. I speak many times of having intentions, working on them but not being attached to the results.

Today Julia asked me, “How can I not be attached to my intentions?”
“What would an intention be?” I asked her and she replied “ Walking, playing the piano…”
These are more like Goals than intentions. Goals are good to have and it is mostly to the goals that we do not want to be attached.

When you set intentions, at a beginning of class or in life in general, it is best if you look for small actions you can do. So no more New Years resolutions, or lifetime resolutions, but smaller, short term actions. Examples may be, “I am setting an intention to practice meditation for 20 min every day for the next 2 weeks”, or “this week I intend to add 5 more minutes of breath work every day”. It might be “I intend on practicing more patience this weekend with my relative that is visiting.”

As you can see there is always a time frame. It is important to set this so we can follow through. It’s always possible to extend it when needed. These intentions are manageable, they are things that while may be difficult for you to do, you know you can do them. Intentions are form of actions (or non actions, like not reacting to the annoying response my friend will tell me); they are small manageable things that may add up to a bigger picture.

It‘s great to have the big picture in mind, but then you need to let it go. Enjoy the process; be with every moment of practice fully. Then one day, maybe the big picture, the goal, happens.

I would like to be enlightened. If this is my goal, and my intention, nothing will happen. I need to decide on this goal, find out what I need to do in order to get there, these are my intentions, and then allow the goal to sit aside, knowing that I might achieve it and may not, and either way is fine.

May all your intentions develop into the fulfillment of the big picture.
Love, Doron

Not taking it personally / about anger and projection

Jen was in tears.
Bob was complaining “ You just don’t do enough, I feel like you just don’t care anymore” His voice strong, a bit irritated.
“I am not sure what you mean”, Jen replied. “ I do all I can, I really always try and make sure you have dinner ready, I rush home from work…” Yes yes, but it seems to be like you are doing this cause you have to. There were times when it seemed to be more out of love”.
The conversation continued a while longer. It seemed that no matter what Jen’s reply was, Bob was not happy. He kept pushing and demanding.
This situation repeated over and over again. Jen consciously tried to see what she could do better. But it did not seem to matter. Bob just wasn’t happy.

At times the complaints or dissatisfaction of a person, are not necessarily completely related to what they are complaining about. Many times one might find, that there is a certain dissatisfaction in ones life, a frustration with a situation, something that causes irritability, and since the person might not be able to deal with it, they might find their release by “taking it out” on someone else.

In any situation when I am being “attacked”, I try to see what truth it holds for me. Then, if there is anything I can implement, change or learn from this, great, and if it seems that the person complaining is just not realizing that I am doing my best and it cannot be better than this, I try to find compassion; compassion towards the person that is unhappy with the situation.

It is extremely hard to be able to hear criticism and not take it personally. How can I not? They are speaking to me, even calling my name. The key word here is They. It is how they see things; maybe it’s true and maybe not. It is what they project on to me, and not necessarily what is.

If this is a situation that persists, I find that a talk is needed. Approaching with love and a sense of compassion. Maybe this person is suffering and that is why they keep criticizing me. I like to present my case as my own suffering. Instead of “you keep criticizing me unfairly”, I would state my feelings “I am feeling hurt and frustrated now, and would like to see if you could help me with this”. There is more likelihood that the person would be willing to listen, and even consider a change. They may need your help in the future with reminders. Do not fear speaking your truth. Speak gently and with kindness. Holding it in can only make it worse in the long run.

May the force be with You!
Love, Doron

LOVE.IT'S EVERYWHERE.

My brother and father were visiting from Japan this past week and now I am left spending a quiet Sunday in our empty two bedroom apartment with my mother. In this silence, I realize how much of an impact they have in our lives. I feel that these precious moments are precious because we are forced to live so far away… this paralysis has made my love for my family so much clearer. This paralysis has given me the opportunity to appreciate every moment I get to share with them, which I had taken for granted in the past.

In my last entry I expressed my confusion with friendships. I now see the mistake I have made is trying to define what a friend ought to be. This injury has limited me physically but has benefited me in opening my eyes to a clearer reality, or what I make reality. Recently I have recognized how amazing people are capable of being.
I received a phone call from a mother of a friend in London who I have not kept in touch with since I left London years ago. She called to let me know I am always in her thoughts and prayers and to never give up.
A man who I have never met who had been in a similar accident called last because he had heard of my story and could not shake the thoughts of what I must be going through.
In December my mother encountered a man who had seen my progress videos on youtube and made it his own personal goal to see me walk and play the cello and piano again. He has taken me in as part of his family and opened up so many opportunities for healing for me.
These are only just a very few of my encounters this past year… VERY few. These are people I barely know, yet they have opened their hearts to me, keeping me in mind, sending me positive energies of love.
The label ‘friend’ is so broad and so general. We are all 'friends', lets act like it. What we need to do is see, feel all the love around us. The amazing power emitted off the people around us need to be recognized and appreciated. The vibration of love is friendship. What we fail to see is that we all share this universal energy, which we contribute to by something as simple as picking up a piece of litter.

We are all surrounded by love, can you see it? You will. Just look closely. Be love(effortlessly).

LOVE.JULIA.

oh friend...

I seem to keep stumbling across this concept of friends over and over in my mind. With paralysis comes many hopeless, lonely times… I’ve been placed in a situation where everything has to be done for me, rarely giving me the time to be alone, yet I find myself lonely in my mind. At times like this I find myself scrolling up and down my contact list searching for that person I can go to, to break down and be comforted, to be understood and be told everything will be ok. How is it that through all the names, a-z that there is no one I can reach out to?

How many people are there who have this friend who they trust with anything and everything? How many of these relationships go beyond petty gossip and shopping? At the end of the day what are friends?

In my opinion a friend is someone you share with, happy times, sad times even energy. A lot of the time I notice relationships where there is a lot more taking than giving, which ends up being draining for one person. So, when do you cut your losses and find a new friend?

How often are you ‘friends’ with people who you know you wouldn’t keep in touch with if you moved a way? A friend that you know you wouldn't give a call even if you were in town? Maybe we have certain friends for all the wrong reasons… is that life? Is that just how it is?

I’m not quite sure what I’m trying to get at here but… maybe I just need to learn to just let it be…

LOVE.JULIA.

be here...NOW

After each session with Doron, I am left contemplating different aspects of life. One topic in particular that hit my realization today is to live in the present. Ok, that sounds really straight forward, but I’m not quite sure how exactly to say it so I’ll try and explain… the mind can be looked at as both a curse and a blessing, but you see, it is exactly my mind that is defining itself as a curse or blessing. Doron spoke to me of visualization, of myself walking and I was told not to associate good, happy or whatever other positive word with the action. I understood but was slightly baffled on the other hand ‘cause why wouldn't me walking be a magnificent thing?? Here’s the catch though! If walking on my own is ‘magnificent’, not walking on my own is absolutely terrible. That’s where Doron’s words of wisdom come into play, we have to live NOW, everything just IS.

I’m not quite sure how much of this made sense… but mind, shhhh I did my best to excrete your ramblings.

LOVE.JULIA.

Who?

So, god, I seem to refer to this dude? Thing? Person?, who knows. This ‘all powerful’, ‘father’, ‘creator of all’ seems to have been brought into existence by all these people who believe. This god fellow seems to get all the credit for miracles or any unexplainable phenomenon that happen to people, but do these people ever think, just maybe that all this power is right there, within themselves?

LOVE.JULIA.

I'M ALIVE

So, I made it! Yesterday was exactly a year since I was in a wreck that left me paralyzed from the neck down.
http://cbs5.com/local/Car.Crash.House.2.947343.html
I can’t help but feel as if there is some force pulling towards wreck… 3 days before the year mark that I was already dreading, a 18-wheeler truck got into our lane, smashed my wheelchair accessible ride and took off…




I guess getting in another accident doesn't cancel out the original injury…I thought maybe I could be like Joe from Family Guy who falls off the roof and regains function of his legs for an episode;)
This past year has been constant rehabilitation and hard work. I have been challenged both physically and spiritually and I am working hard to trust that everything is going to work out. Trusting myself to heal my injured spinal cord is testing my faith to the max.
“Sana sana sana
Culito de rana
Si no sana hoy sanara manana”
That's just a cute saying a friend told me which basically says, if it doesn't heal today, it will heal tomorrow.
I’m constantly reminded that without a positive attitude it is so much more difficult to move in a positive direction.

-Julia

Julia's daily emails

I offered Julia to send me a daily email with just a few words, whatever came to mind, no thought, like a Haiku, or a thought that just appears. here is what we have since Saturday February 13th.


• Negativity.
Chaos, I have created.
This reality.
• Confusion. Argh.
• Like the sun, the truth, the positivity is always there.. But my negativity hides the truth just as the cloud does the sun on a gloomy day...
• I can't even escape insanity when I'm sleeping.
• Every day is a blur.. Not quite sure if it's good or bad
• D: A day is a moment + a moment. Time is in our perspective. Some times long, sometimes short. Finding a moment of joy in observing a breath or a flower, these moments feel like a whole day.
• So we need to try n find joy in every moment?
• A moment of Joy can feel like a whole day, even if not the whole day is filled with joy.
• Technology....argh!
• D:Yes, and yey as well, since this is how I am communicating with you now.
• Yes the positive box!
• War= a weeping world..
• Car accident. Again. My life...
• D: I did not choose to be born
But I am choosing to be free
Free beyond this existence of suffering