love

Once again I haven’t followed through with the promise to myself to write more. A lot of the time I feel as though there’s not much to express. I can recall a couple of days that I felt were colossally disastrous, but opted not to write. Often times after the bad days pass they don’t seem as bad as I thought they had and am glad I didn’t write in my irrational state. Bad days happen and then you move on, but sometimes what happens stays with you. Like the night of my accident; I’m still stuck with the paralysis that came from it. How do you really move on from something like that? How do you stop it from defining you? A really dear friend of mine recently said to me, “how can expect people to look past the wheelchair when you can’t look past it yourself.” It’s not like this is a new concept to me and I’ve used it different contexts before, but it was the first time someone’s said that to me and it’s really stuck.
This injury has given me the ultimate challenge of loving myself for just me. I’ve been so concerned about all the things I can’t do and getting so bummed about it. I recently made a girlfriend who’s in a wheelchair but who has more physical function than me, which allows her to do things like make up, hair and dressing up. I spent a few nights with her and I was down about the fact that I couldn't do all those things… I felt less pretty. But here’s the thing, those aren’t things that make me, me and I just need to get over it. It’s just another one of those things that are easier said than done. I mean really, how do you do you reach a state of true self acceptance? I personally feel like it all starts with being true to yourself. I’m not saying you avoid everything that makes you uncomfortable because challenging yourself is important, but it’s all about doing what feels right for you. Something I’ve struggled with is asserting myself and doing things that I want to regardless of how someone else feels about it, within reason of course. You’ve ultimately got to do things that make YOU proud because you are who will always be there.
I am so lucky to have the people I do in my life to support me through this journey of life I am on. Thanksgiving gave me a chance to reflect on all the new connections I’ve made in the last few years. So blessed to have people that encourage and inspire me to be completely myself.

LOVE.JULIA.

...

So here I am after waiting way too long to write again. Let’s see, every time I do this, I have no idea where to begin…
Summers over and I’ve already started my fall term at College of San Mateo. I don’t know if I ever mentioned this, but I was accepted to University of San Francisco for this current term, but I guess I just ended up wussing out and decided to defer to the spring term. I’m still not completely sure if that is even going to end up happening, but that’s the plan for now. Just the idea of shifting my daily priority from trying to regain independence to school freaks me out a little bit… I mean, school’s always going to be there, right? So in the meantime I’m taking a couple core- curriculum classes online (which are proving to be quite a struggle in comparison to past classes I’ve taken online).
Okay, so lets get into a little about my summer. I took an online summer class and thought I had committed to an increase in rigorous physical training, but that took longer than I had hoped to pick up some momentum.
Oh oh oh! I spent my first two weeks without my ma since the accident. She finally got the chance to go back home and see her family. It’s about time she’s able to move around more freely. All right, so I wasn’t completely alone… my wonderful little brother was there to take care of me during the times that my caregiver wasn’t. I can barely express in words how impressed I was with him. I mean honestly, how often do you find a teenage boy who puts everything aside to take care of his sister? I’m not even going to go into the things he did for me, but I can tell you there are probably not a lot of people who would do this for another human being. I completely admire how loving and supportive he has been. I love him!
A couple months ago, I started playing… wait for it… wheelchair rugby! Haha umm the best way to find out what it is would probably be to search it on youtube. Don’t be scared, I’m definitely not good enough to be knocked out of my chair or anything. As much as I suck, I am thoroughly enjoying it!! The first day I went to go check it out I was terrified! It’s mostly guys just ramming into each other in a rage to get the ball. But these “scary” guys ended up being some of the most amazing people I have ever met. They are all quadriplegics and the majority of them are completely independent! I’ve been so amazed and inspired ever since I have met them. I’ve even made girlfriends! Awesooome. A lot of things have just changed since I started being involved.
I’ve recently made a slight switch in my goals as well:
Of course ultimately I would like to walk and go back to “normal,” but this is no longer my sole focus. What I really want from walking and being “normal” is to regain my independence (relying on another person to do absolutely everything for you can be demoralizing at times). I’ve realized that my independence does not fully depend on me walking again, walking would just be a plus. I truly believe that I owe this realization the people I have been blessed to meet in the last couple of months.

LOVE.JULIA.

oh life

It has definitely been a too long of a time since I’ve written anything besides an English paper. I’m not even quite sure where to begin… I’ll just start with recent events and stick in whatever event that pops into my mind. Unfortunately though, there’s not a lot that happens in my life besides school and working out.



On the workout forefront, I had a pretty extreme two weeks of physical therapy for the first two weeks of May. Wow not keeping things posted makes telling stories difficult. Ok, so in March I started going to this acupuncture clinic in San Jose that specializes in neurological disorders. The doctors of the clinic were invited to Switzerland to teach their techniques so closed the office for two weeks. The physical therapist that works there offered o stay with me to do physical therapy 8 hours a day for those two weeks. I couldn’t turn down such an offer so the brutal lifestyle of waking up, working out, going to school, working out and then to bed began. I got a little stronger… of course there’s not going to be a miracle in two weeks but I couldn't help but hope for something more than “I got a little stronger…” And it’s not like I all of a sudden decided to work out, I’ve been consistently doing it. 2-3 hours of professional therapy plus home exercises has been my lifestyle for the last two years. I’m frustrated, if you haven’t already noticed. Working your ass off is supposed to amount to something. I want something more! Here’s my dilemma, though, there’s no cure for spinal cord injury, best option is to keep your body healthy (extreme exercise has helped numerous people to regain movement), therefore I exercise to no end, but I’m getting bored and restless, but because it is the only thing I can do to help my cause it in fact is what I WANT to do. Ok so I sound slightly deranged, but I I’m hoping it conveys my frustration/ impatience.



As for school, it’s pretty awesome. I did really well this semester and even got into University of San Francisco and Notre Dame de Namur for this coming fall term. I was overjoyed. I declined for the fall term and asked for a deferral to the next spring term. I might be a little scared of going. Private university= full time school + a lot of monies. Possibility of recovering from spinal cord injury= full time workout/ therapy + a lot of monies. So which is it going to be? I do of course realize that my recovery goes under the ‘possibility’ category, but I’m not willing to give up on it anytime soon. I will walk damn it! I decided I’d go at recovery with full force for the remainder of the year and the start school in the spring with a less of focus on working out. It’ll be ok… I’ve been blessed enough to not have to think about anything other than getting better for over two years. I’ll make it work;)



Enough for now. I will definitely try to do a better job at this…



LOVE.JULIA.

anniversary.

What is it about anniversaries that get people so worked up? So emotional, whether it is happy or sad. A date to be mourned or celebrated; not every day, week or month, but year. A simple measurement of time arouses emotions that might not always be there. February, 28th was the two year anniversary of my accident. “One year, so what??”, was the attitude I had at the one- year mark. This year… lets just say its been two days and I’m still thinking about how I can’t believe I’m still where I am, totally dependant on people to not only get places, but to survive at all. Here I am trying to prove science wrong all together, yet in the back of my head I’m taunted by the words of the doctors that said any noticeable changes will stop at two years… And at two years I’m still contorting my arms to the best of their ability just to find the perfect angle as to which I can apply the most pressure through a finger to relieve a simple itch on my head.
I was told for the umpteenth time, by a friend, that he feels stupid complaining about things in front of me. That’s nice that they realize how hard things can be for me, but they still complain… about life, about how they missed an awesome rave the night before. It’s because they don't understand, because they really could not even begin to fathom a life with paralysis. Which is both fine and understandable.
At the end of the day, life goes on and the only thing to be done is to live the best way possible for you.

LOVE.JULIA.

not so bad

It’s probably well past the point where I’m supposed to be updating you on how my nightmare of returning to school has gone. Week four of school is about to begin and besides taking up a lot of my time, school is not that big of a deal :P All that scare for nothing. Art history, Biology and English; lots of reading, lots of writing, but that’s school, not so bad. The only thing that really gets to me is the lazy people who think its ok to park in handicap parking! I don’t usually get so irked by things THIS! I have a ramp on my car that needs extra space to open up so that I can get out. I get to school with every accessible stop taken. A lot of the time I see people lounging in their car smoking a cigarette! Phew… ok so there’s my venting… I really should muster up the courage to talk to them, but I’m not quite there yet. Until then, breathe.
So, my life hasn't changed much; school, physical therapy and homework. I will say this much, my life is pretty full and I’m a little proud hehe.

LOVE.JULIA.