love

Once again I haven’t followed through with the promise to myself to write more. A lot of the time I feel as though there’s not much to express. I can recall a couple of days that I felt were colossally disastrous, but opted not to write. Often times after the bad days pass they don’t seem as bad as I thought they had and am glad I didn’t write in my irrational state. Bad days happen and then you move on, but sometimes what happens stays with you. Like the night of my accident; I’m still stuck with the paralysis that came from it. How do you really move on from something like that? How do you stop it from defining you? A really dear friend of mine recently said to me, “how can expect people to look past the wheelchair when you can’t look past it yourself.” It’s not like this is a new concept to me and I’ve used it different contexts before, but it was the first time someone’s said that to me and it’s really stuck.
This injury has given me the ultimate challenge of loving myself for just me. I’ve been so concerned about all the things I can’t do and getting so bummed about it. I recently made a girlfriend who’s in a wheelchair but who has more physical function than me, which allows her to do things like make up, hair and dressing up. I spent a few nights with her and I was down about the fact that I couldn't do all those things… I felt less pretty. But here’s the thing, those aren’t things that make me, me and I just need to get over it. It’s just another one of those things that are easier said than done. I mean really, how do you do you reach a state of true self acceptance? I personally feel like it all starts with being true to yourself. I’m not saying you avoid everything that makes you uncomfortable because challenging yourself is important, but it’s all about doing what feels right for you. Something I’ve struggled with is asserting myself and doing things that I want to regardless of how someone else feels about it, within reason of course. You’ve ultimately got to do things that make YOU proud because you are who will always be there.
I am so lucky to have the people I do in my life to support me through this journey of life I am on. Thanksgiving gave me a chance to reflect on all the new connections I’ve made in the last few years. So blessed to have people that encourage and inspire me to be completely myself.

LOVE.JULIA.