Care

Take away all physical control. Give up on doing things exactly the way you feel like doing them. Accept that anything that you want done won’t be done when you want. Most people don't realize how instinctual their actions are; they don't realize how much of a routine they follow. When you think of the big picture, maybe your daily activities change, but the way you do things don't. This may come across as a little strange, but try paying attention to the detail in your actions. When you take a shower, what do you do first? Do you let the shower run while you go to the bathroom so that the water will be warm by the time you’re done? Once you’re in, do you wash your body first? If you do, where do you start? All this might sound absurd… if you observe closely, though, you’ll notice that the way you do things is very particular. In most cases, they are things that you don’t need to rely on other people to do; you go about your business and do things exactly the way you want it done. I’ve had to leave all that behind. I’ve had to accept that I can’t follow through with my particularities. I have a caregiver to help me start and get through my day. I must wake up in the morning at exactly the same time, whether it is a weekday, weekend, or holiday. I must direct the exact order in which I’d like things to proceed. Nothing happens when I will it to, there’s always a delay. Nothing comes instinctually; the thought may come, but the action doesn't. You truly do not realize the beauty of silence until you are forced express every single need. I find that, the times sitting in the car, or sitting at home when I’m on my laptop, I absolutely want to just sit in silence. There is a sort of peace that comes with not needing anything. I want to ask as little as possible from anyone, which means I ask for things when I absolutely need them. All this being said, I am blessed with an amazing caregiver. In a situation such as my own, a caregiver plays a tremendously important role. Having the right caregiver truly makes a difference in one’s happiness and wellbeing. With no exaggeration, a caregiver holds your life in their hands. The caregiver I have at the moment is the third I’ve had this year. After two caregivers quitting, I was blessed with the one I have now. I suppose it is a sort of serendipity. I must learn to appreciate what I receive. Even though I may not be happy that I am in a situation where a good caregiver is a gift. LOVE.JULIA.

Grand Catastrophe

You’ll have to excuse any spelling or punctuation issues as I’m using a new computer, which I haven’t yet downloaded Word onto so I don’t have my usual auto corrections. Not exactly sure what it is that I want to say today, but felt the need to write and unload a little. There have been a few thoughts bouncing around in my head lately, things like waiting, patience, pity, empathy, miracles... I’m not quite sure what the tone of all this is either, as my feelings have been rather ambiguous lately. Let's start with patience. Or at what point does patience cease to be patience and simply be waiting? Is there any virtue in just waiting? I don’t know which exactly I’m doing all the time, but I don’t think I have a choice of not being patient. My whole existence constitutes waiting. But then again who’s doesn’t? Maybe I just feel as though mine does more so because I was once able to do things at my own pace and now everything depends on another person. “oh, I’m feeling cold,” wait 5 minutes, get sweater and put it on. Or at times I attempt to do these things on my own and something that would normally take a minute would take me at least 15 minutes. But even that is better than waiting on someone else. Some things are just impossible for me to do, though.. when I am waiting in the car and it starts getting too hot, I can’t reach over to start the engine and turn the a/c on. I wait... hot, miserable, and hopeless. Ok, so this isn’t a “pity me” post. It’s just a “Aw, man this sucks” kind of post :p. It’s just that when I ask for help with something, the fact that I can;t just do it myself is already frustrating, but when the person I’m asking doesn’t do it and gets annoyed when I do it again, I can’t help but be annoyed... and to add on a comment like “you’re so impatient,” just pushes me over. I don’t ever say anything, though. hehe maybe that’s where I practice my patience. I don’t believe that my injury limits me from much because if I really want to do something, it’ll happen, buuuuutttt that doesn’t mean it’s easy. There are restrictions on time and places I can go depending on who has the time to be with me to take care of needs. My life is pretty much on a fixed schedule with little space to change. My days start and end, not when I want, but when whoever is caring for me wants. My days revolve around when I need to pee,as I need someone to do that for me. Ok, enough about that! On a different note, I’ve been considering the idea of miracles. The whole idea that me regaining any function in my body would be considered a miracle. Sure it’d be a miracle, but sooo many other things are miracles too. A miracle is something unexplainable and extraordinary. I don’t feel as though it has to be a positive occurrence either. Every new connection I make is a miracle. The fact that I’m alive after being crushed by a house is a miracle. The very accident that left me paralyzed, is in fact, a miracle. I mean how could you ever explain how one drives a car through a house? Every moment preceding that accident happened in the exact way necessary for that moment to happen. Sure what happened to me is in no way something to celebrate, but it is definitely unexplainable and out of the ordinary. If such a grand catastrophe can happen in just a split second, who says that I can’t recover in just that time? I’m sure as hell making sure every moment that precedes that miracle count. LOVE.JULIA.

Not so positive..

This won't be a very positive post, but bare with me. Not everything I think of can can be peppy revelations of positivity. Here we go... When your body works, properly, a lot of your movements are automatic. You just DO. On the other hand when your body doesn't do anything you want it to, everything you do takes longer and requires calculation. It also requires the help of another person. This...is frustrating. There's really not much I am capable of that doesn't require all these things. Even something like pulling my shirt down in the bak... I'd go about it by waiting for someone to be available, ask for help, lean forward just enough to still be able to hold my balance and then have that person pull my shirt down for me. If there re things on the ground, I don't just pick them up and clear my way. I have no choice but to accept that I can no longer move along that path. Yes, so I'm feeling rather sorry for myself, but who doesn't every once in a while? When I'm in one of these moods I just can't but notice all the things I can't do... I look at a sign by the elevator that reads "Use stairs in case of fire" and I think "Oh, well hey, I guess in the case of a fire I'll just sit in my chair in a burning building". Or when I go out and look around at people running around, jumping, playing, or even simply putting on a jacket on their own....I'm envious. I just so want to be able to do all those things... Alright, enough of that! A more upbeat should follow. LOVE.JULIA

Thoughts..

Alright, where to begin… if I’d just commit to writing more often I wouldn’t find myself at a complete loss of direction every time I start writing. A lot has happened in the last few months and the last couple weeks have been a haze (but I’m not going to talk about that). Let me just start with the most exciting news of 2012, well it was more the end of 2011, but it’s definitely made my 2012 and the years to come. I have finally…wait for it… got myself a buddy!! A puppy!! Her name is Sky. She’s a jack Russell/ wire fox terrier and she is perfect. She is 7 months at the moment and a complete brat and I love everything about her. I found an ad on the internet and for some reason when I showed my mom she had a completely accepting reaction and told me to go see her! Sky came from a litter of six, but I knew she was the one the moment I met her. Of all the puppies she was the first who tried so intently to climb up my wheelchair. She has gone through some training and can even pick things up for me now. She’s not only my buddy but my helper as well. Having her has given me many opportunities. For one, the guy who is training her does it free of charge and has become a wonderful friend. Secondly, I go out on my own every single day to walk her and it is amazing. I feel so much more confident and independent with her by my side. No matter what sort of stressful day I’ve had, I come home and can’t help but smile when she is so ecstatic to see me that she can’t control herself. Don't worry I’ll attach photos! One of the “major” things that have passed is the 3 year anniversary of my accident. And yes, I am still not where I want to be and am still eager to be independent. This anniversary was not particularly a tough one. It was contemplative… of my situation. Something I’ve continuously been thinking of is the way in which people view me, or people with disabilities (not necessarily negative by the way). Something I hear a lot is “you’re so inspirational”. It’s quite odd being told you’re inspirational when all you are doing is living your life just as you want. I wouldn't be especially “inspirational” if I didn’t have this disability. I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with it, and thank you for those who have told me this in the past, but interesting. I decided to use this view of me as an opportunity… as an advantage. It’s without a doubt that people get discouraged, and I am included among these people. What’s different though, is that people tell me how great I am doing for things that I may not necessarily be told for if I were able bodied. I get a little extra encouragement for my daily actions and I am grateful for that. For everything that I do, I get recognition. I am blessed for this and this gives me extra motivation to do my best… so that I can give myself recognition and believe that I AM inspirational.