Care

Take away all physical control. Give up on doing things exactly the way you feel like doing them. Accept that anything that you want done won’t be done when you want. Most people don't realize how instinctual their actions are; they don't realize how much of a routine they follow. When you think of the big picture, maybe your daily activities change, but the way you do things don't. This may come across as a little strange, but try paying attention to the detail in your actions. When you take a shower, what do you do first? Do you let the shower run while you go to the bathroom so that the water will be warm by the time you’re done? Once you’re in, do you wash your body first? If you do, where do you start? All this might sound absurd… if you observe closely, though, you’ll notice that the way you do things is very particular. In most cases, they are things that you don’t need to rely on other people to do; you go about your business and do things exactly the way you want it done. I’ve had to leave all that behind. I’ve had to accept that I can’t follow through with my particularities. I have a caregiver to help me start and get through my day. I must wake up in the morning at exactly the same time, whether it is a weekday, weekend, or holiday. I must direct the exact order in which I’d like things to proceed. Nothing happens when I will it to, there’s always a delay. Nothing comes instinctually; the thought may come, but the action doesn't. You truly do not realize the beauty of silence until you are forced express every single need. I find that, the times sitting in the car, or sitting at home when I’m on my laptop, I absolutely want to just sit in silence. There is a sort of peace that comes with not needing anything. I want to ask as little as possible from anyone, which means I ask for things when I absolutely need them. All this being said, I am blessed with an amazing caregiver. In a situation such as my own, a caregiver plays a tremendously important role. Having the right caregiver truly makes a difference in one’s happiness and wellbeing. With no exaggeration, a caregiver holds your life in their hands. The caregiver I have at the moment is the third I’ve had this year. After two caregivers quitting, I was blessed with the one I have now. I suppose it is a sort of serendipity. I must learn to appreciate what I receive. Even though I may not be happy that I am in a situation where a good caregiver is a gift. LOVE.JULIA.