Grand Catastrophe

You’ll have to excuse any spelling or punctuation issues as I’m using a new computer, which I haven’t yet downloaded Word onto so I don’t have my usual auto corrections. Not exactly sure what it is that I want to say today, but felt the need to write and unload a little. There have been a few thoughts bouncing around in my head lately, things like waiting, patience, pity, empathy, miracles... I’m not quite sure what the tone of all this is either, as my feelings have been rather ambiguous lately. Let's start with patience. Or at what point does patience cease to be patience and simply be waiting? Is there any virtue in just waiting? I don’t know which exactly I’m doing all the time, but I don’t think I have a choice of not being patient. My whole existence constitutes waiting. But then again who’s doesn’t? Maybe I just feel as though mine does more so because I was once able to do things at my own pace and now everything depends on another person. “oh, I’m feeling cold,” wait 5 minutes, get sweater and put it on. Or at times I attempt to do these things on my own and something that would normally take a minute would take me at least 15 minutes. But even that is better than waiting on someone else. Some things are just impossible for me to do, though.. when I am waiting in the car and it starts getting too hot, I can’t reach over to start the engine and turn the a/c on. I wait... hot, miserable, and hopeless. Ok, so this isn’t a “pity me” post. It’s just a “Aw, man this sucks” kind of post :p. It’s just that when I ask for help with something, the fact that I can;t just do it myself is already frustrating, but when the person I’m asking doesn’t do it and gets annoyed when I do it again, I can’t help but be annoyed... and to add on a comment like “you’re so impatient,” just pushes me over. I don’t ever say anything, though. hehe maybe that’s where I practice my patience. I don’t believe that my injury limits me from much because if I really want to do something, it’ll happen, buuuuutttt that doesn’t mean it’s easy. There are restrictions on time and places I can go depending on who has the time to be with me to take care of needs. My life is pretty much on a fixed schedule with little space to change. My days start and end, not when I want, but when whoever is caring for me wants. My days revolve around when I need to pee,as I need someone to do that for me. Ok, enough about that! On a different note, I’ve been considering the idea of miracles. The whole idea that me regaining any function in my body would be considered a miracle. Sure it’d be a miracle, but sooo many other things are miracles too. A miracle is something unexplainable and extraordinary. I don’t feel as though it has to be a positive occurrence either. Every new connection I make is a miracle. The fact that I’m alive after being crushed by a house is a miracle. The very accident that left me paralyzed, is in fact, a miracle. I mean how could you ever explain how one drives a car through a house? Every moment preceding that accident happened in the exact way necessary for that moment to happen. Sure what happened to me is in no way something to celebrate, but it is definitely unexplainable and out of the ordinary. If such a grand catastrophe can happen in just a split second, who says that I can’t recover in just that time? I’m sure as hell making sure every moment that precedes that miracle count. LOVE.JULIA.