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Blah… ever feel like that? Like all your efforts are amounting to nothing?
Well, tell your mind to shut up!
Well, if you can’t tell, I’m having a hard time doing so myself. Without realizing, I attach myself to the outcomes of things, so when I stop and THINK (that’s the key word here….), I haven't gotten to where I want to, I feel like all my hard work hasn't paid off , it makes me think…”what good is all of this? Maybe I should just give up…” All of this of course I realize are just the ramblings of my mind, but exactly this knowledge is the cause of frustration too. I know these thoughts mean nothing; I know they are not true, so why can’t I just make them go away? Just go away!!
I always made deadlines for my recovery… first was by my birthday, then Christmas/ new years, then by my brother’s graduation, and that was suppose to be the end of it. One after the other I failed to reach the deadlines or even close to a full recovery, but my 21st birthday on 10/10/10 just seemed so inviting… I thought maybe a miracle… maybe some energetic phenomenon that would throw me back on my feet… nothing happened. Nevertheless I fully enjoyed my shared birthday with my dad and moved forward. Deadlines have proved to be nothing more than disappointments. My recovery is not on a timeline. It’ll happen when it happens…
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Confession
Shoes… I miss shoes. I miss dressing up, finding cute clothes for great deals. I miss finding the perfect pair of heels that make your whole body and image shift. I’ve spent the last year and a half wearing nothing but sweat pants, a t-shirt and new balance sneakers…that I had to specifically buy a wide size so my feet don't get soars from swelling… no purses to accessorize, no oversized jewelry…no more fashion. I know all of this sounds so shallow, so insignificant… but I miss it…

LOVE.JULIA.