Not taking it personally / about anger and projection

Jen was in tears.
Bob was complaining “ You just don’t do enough, I feel like you just don’t care anymore” His voice strong, a bit irritated.
“I am not sure what you mean”, Jen replied. “ I do all I can, I really always try and make sure you have dinner ready, I rush home from work…” Yes yes, but it seems to be like you are doing this cause you have to. There were times when it seemed to be more out of love”.
The conversation continued a while longer. It seemed that no matter what Jen’s reply was, Bob was not happy. He kept pushing and demanding.
This situation repeated over and over again. Jen consciously tried to see what she could do better. But it did not seem to matter. Bob just wasn’t happy.

At times the complaints or dissatisfaction of a person, are not necessarily completely related to what they are complaining about. Many times one might find, that there is a certain dissatisfaction in ones life, a frustration with a situation, something that causes irritability, and since the person might not be able to deal with it, they might find their release by “taking it out” on someone else.

In any situation when I am being “attacked”, I try to see what truth it holds for me. Then, if there is anything I can implement, change or learn from this, great, and if it seems that the person complaining is just not realizing that I am doing my best and it cannot be better than this, I try to find compassion; compassion towards the person that is unhappy with the situation.

It is extremely hard to be able to hear criticism and not take it personally. How can I not? They are speaking to me, even calling my name. The key word here is They. It is how they see things; maybe it’s true and maybe not. It is what they project on to me, and not necessarily what is.

If this is a situation that persists, I find that a talk is needed. Approaching with love and a sense of compassion. Maybe this person is suffering and that is why they keep criticizing me. I like to present my case as my own suffering. Instead of “you keep criticizing me unfairly”, I would state my feelings “I am feeling hurt and frustrated now, and would like to see if you could help me with this”. There is more likelihood that the person would be willing to listen, and even consider a change. They may need your help in the future with reminders. Do not fear speaking your truth. Speak gently and with kindness. Holding it in can only make it worse in the long run.

May the force be with You!
Love, Doron