i know.

Hope… this word has become a pretty frequent one since my accident. “There’s no hope of walking”, “there is hope of walking”, “we hope you’ll walk” and so on. As encouraging it might be to be told you have hope of accomplishing the seemingly impossible, how long is it before we need to transition from hoping to knowing?
Hope begins as such an optimistic word but eventually, with time, it becomes one of doubt and question. Like, you can only hope because you believe there is a chance of failure, a chance that the seemingly impossible won’t happen. How can the impossible even have the chance of manifesting if you do not absolutely believe, absolutely know that it will?!
Ok, so I don’t exactly know when you make the transition between hoping and knowing, but I think without it we’re stuck. Hope might be what gets you started or what keeps you going, but there comes a time when it’s no longer enough. I felt like while I was just hoping, I was somehow regretting every day I didn’t accomplish my goal of walking. These days I feel good, enjoying my days at mostly full energy. I figure it’s because I’m totally ok with where I am. Of course I want to walk, but right now, today, I am where I need to be. I KNOW that the day will come that I will walk and be independent so until then, I’m here, doing my best with no regrets…
I’m not sure how much sense this all made, but it was just… an idea.

LOVE.JULIA.

Confession
After my accident, my doctors and hospital counselors encouraged me to go to school. At the time, I laughed, “ya right, I’m just going to do physical therapy and then get back to life”. After some badgering, I decided it wasn’t such a bad idea and compromised by taking online classes. All of a sudden people were ‘inspired’ by me, “it’s so amazing that you went back to school after such an accident!” HAHA! Like being paralyzed gives me an excuse to be uneducated. Anyways, all this time I’ve stayed out of sight from my fellow colleagues, hiding behind a computer screen in the comfort of my cozy home. Next semester, I don’t get away so easily. I start taking classes on campus… I’m TERRIFIED. Ok, maybe not that bad but it’s definitely an anxiety that pops up in my unforgiving, relentless mind. I just figured that by the time I had to actually show up to school, I’d be back up on my feet, wishful thinking I suppose. No more hiding. Even though I proceeded with school, I was cheating, hiding from the world. Sheltering myself from what the typical college student experiences. As much as I try to decorate the truth, the reality is I put my life on hold.
Breathheeeeee. Here I come world.

LOVE.JULIA.

some healing.

Lalalaaaa….

There are a lot of different things that I do in the name of my healing.  One, I drink a stewed concoction filled with intensely odd ingredients, mostly plants, sometimes sand (?!) or even insects (?!).  I go into a small Chinese herb store in San Francisco that is barely maneuverable with my wheel chair, ram packed with different goodies like dries mushrooms the size of my head.  I visit an old man, Dr. Zhang, who was a respected physician in his country, but now sits in at a rusty metal desk and a fold out chair with a wristwatch with frayed wristband that is propped on the desk to read the time.  He gives me a gentle smile and asks to see my wrist so he can check my pulse and then asks to see my tongue.  I do as I am told, every time amazed that that is all he requires to come up with a combination of herbs that differ for every visit.  It takes about 15 minutes and 3 people to put all the ingredients together.  I let this potent mix stew for an hour on the stove, which becomes about a cup of muddy water which I hold my breath and gulp down, begging my mom to give me something to put in my mouth to cover the taste.  This is all supposed to help the circulation of my blood, which is vital for cell renewal. 

Another form of therapy, that I much rather prefer is animal therapy ;)  This adorable pup is Gizmo, a half chow chow half kelpie mix that a friend’s auntie just invited into her family.  In some spare time, I like to go visit animals that provide a healing for my soul.  Everything is revealed without words.  Animals don’t need words to fill spaces of silence and don’t need compliments to feed the ego and it is so comfortable.  There is no judgment, there is no expectation, there is only the sharing of true self. 

These are just a couple of things I use to heal.  That’s just starters ;)

LOVE.JULIA.

:|

Blah… ever feel like that? Like all your efforts are amounting to nothing?
Well, tell your mind to shut up!
Well, if you can’t tell, I’m having a hard time doing so myself. Without realizing, I attach myself to the outcomes of things, so when I stop and THINK (that’s the key word here….), I haven't gotten to where I want to, I feel like all my hard work hasn't paid off , it makes me think…”what good is all of this? Maybe I should just give up…” All of this of course I realize are just the ramblings of my mind, but exactly this knowledge is the cause of frustration too. I know these thoughts mean nothing; I know they are not true, so why can’t I just make them go away? Just go away!!
I always made deadlines for my recovery… first was by my birthday, then Christmas/ new years, then by my brother’s graduation, and that was suppose to be the end of it. One after the other I failed to reach the deadlines or even close to a full recovery, but my 21st birthday on 10/10/10 just seemed so inviting… I thought maybe a miracle… maybe some energetic phenomenon that would throw me back on my feet… nothing happened. Nevertheless I fully enjoyed my shared birthday with my dad and moved forward. Deadlines have proved to be nothing more than disappointments. My recovery is not on a timeline. It’ll happen when it happens…
--
Confession
Shoes… I miss shoes. I miss dressing up, finding cute clothes for great deals. I miss finding the perfect pair of heels that make your whole body and image shift. I’ve spent the last year and a half wearing nothing but sweat pants, a t-shirt and new balance sneakers…that I had to specifically buy a wide size so my feet don't get soars from swelling… no purses to accessorize, no oversized jewelry…no more fashion. I know all of this sounds so shallow, so insignificant… but I miss it…

LOVE.JULIA.

Epictecus

It is not he who reviles or strikes you who insults you, but your opinion that these things are insulting.

Make the best use of what is in your power, and take the rest as it happens.

Epictetus (AD 55–AD 135) was a Greek Stoic philosopher.


This is just a little food for thought.

LOVE.JULIA.

In the blink of an eye...

'Life can change in a blink of an eye', what a cliché, we've all heard this saying. It sure is a cliché and is always set aside as one. For it to become a cliché, though, it has to be pretty true doesn't it? Enough people have had to have experienced this 'blink of an eye' change for this saying to even exist... You'd think a house falling on my car and smashing my spinal cord, leaving me paralyzed would have been that defining moment, making this saying true, but it wasn't quite that. Yes, my world did change, my life was flipped around, but I have nothing but to live on.
Just the other day I had been given this weight, this heaviness that lingered with me throughout the day and still seems to be in the air. A family friend, a boy who I ran around with in elementary school passed away. The doctors had no diagnosis, all they knew was that it was degenerative... I hadn't seen Christopher for years as I traveled around the world for my dad's job, but when he passed away, he had lost the ability to speak, to eat or to do anything for himself, but his mind was all there. This boy who was just as any other child, playing without a care in the world, slowly had everything taken from him; he had to watch his body slowly deteriorate. He passed away the other night for no known reason. I met with hid mother, sister and grandmother, they spoke of how they had planned all the years ahead, how his mom and dad were prepared to care for him until they were in their 70s, how they were planning to meet with specialists that might be able to help... All of that vanished... Everything they had worked around is now gone. I couldn't help but feel this sorrow. I could feel their emptiness, I could feel christopher's pain. There were no words of consolation I could offer. Instead I left with a portable ramp that Christopher had been using that they no longer needed.
When my accident first happened, I couldn't move, I couldn't eat, I couldn't speak and relied on everyone for everything. I couldn't communicate my needs, I couldn't communicate my gratitude, which was probably one of the more painful things. I was totally coherent but couldn't express myself, which was a main source of frustration. But I have slowly regained things, I am on the path towards recovery. I cannot even imagine going in the opposite direction. Christopher, I hope that now you are free from your suffering... You lived good, now rest. Rest in peace, Christopher Hwang.
I kept catching myself planning or trying to decide based on things that had not happened. You can't plan everything. You can't plan most things, definitely not things 30years down the line. Anything can happen. I was planning to be at a four year college by now, my goal is to become independent again, something I hadn't even considered the possibility of losing. 'oh no, My mom might move back to japan next year', me walking could be just as likely. What I'm trying to say is, you never know, so just go with it. You can plan all you like, but things always change. How about this, you can have an IDEA of what you might like, but always being open to something different. The future is never going to be exactly what you like because you're thinking, now of how it has to be. NOW is the only thing you can be sure of, so enjoy it.
'if you haven't haven't found happiness on the way, you won't find it at the end'
LOVE.JULIA.

ah ha.

So, for once I thought I should write a follow up. I noticed I’m not too good at that hehe. Well, for now, there’s no dog. My mother didn't speak to me for a couple days unless she wanted me to do something; this ends up pretty awkward as we can’t totally avoid each other’s spaces since I require quite...intimate help. I was totally confused, why is she the angry one when I’M the one being denied what I am asking for. I could have stayed stubborn and continued the silence game, but I chose a different route, compassion. I bought her a bouquet of sunflowers and apologized. I apologized? Well, I didn't do anything wrong, I’m the victim right? Wrong. It’s neither right nor wrong, actually. Here’s how I figure; her feelings are valid, regardless of rationale. That fact that she feels pressured or like the dog is going to be a whole ton of stress is real. Although she’s just created pictures in her head, she doesn't feel good inside. I accepted that the dog was out of the question and pushing it further would have only lessened the likelihood further. Things have returned to its usual peace and the topic of the dog was brought up my mom herself and she saw my point of view. We’ve come to the agreement that the dog will come when we move to a house, which we are in the process of searching for. Sure I didn't get exactly what I wanted but I minimized the time of misery by simply thinking about her feelings and ended with a reasonable compromise.

So we don't always get our way but another person’s feelings are just as real as your own, even if they are different. What a concept, huh? ;) I could have continued our battle but how can I expect her to understand me when I’m not trying to do the same for her? I tried to be understanding and I got understanding back. Mission accomplished.

LOVE.JULIA.