ah ha.

So, for once I thought I should write a follow up. I noticed I’m not too good at that hehe. Well, for now, there’s no dog. My mother didn't speak to me for a couple days unless she wanted me to do something; this ends up pretty awkward as we can’t totally avoid each other’s spaces since I require quite...intimate help. I was totally confused, why is she the angry one when I’M the one being denied what I am asking for. I could have stayed stubborn and continued the silence game, but I chose a different route, compassion. I bought her a bouquet of sunflowers and apologized. I apologized? Well, I didn't do anything wrong, I’m the victim right? Wrong. It’s neither right nor wrong, actually. Here’s how I figure; her feelings are valid, regardless of rationale. That fact that she feels pressured or like the dog is going to be a whole ton of stress is real. Although she’s just created pictures in her head, she doesn't feel good inside. I accepted that the dog was out of the question and pushing it further would have only lessened the likelihood further. Things have returned to its usual peace and the topic of the dog was brought up my mom herself and she saw my point of view. We’ve come to the agreement that the dog will come when we move to a house, which we are in the process of searching for. Sure I didn't get exactly what I wanted but I minimized the time of misery by simply thinking about her feelings and ended with a reasonable compromise.

So we don't always get our way but another person’s feelings are just as real as your own, even if they are different. What a concept, huh? ;) I could have continued our battle but how can I expect her to understand me when I’m not trying to do the same for her? I tried to be understanding and I got understanding back. Mission accomplished.

LOVE.JULIA.

Weeee life.

The past couple weeks have been pretty miraculous, my dad and brother were in town, we enjoyed a trip to Mt. Shasta and met wonderful people, I got to spend me and my dad's birthday together and there were just little things that seemed too perfect to be coincidences.  It was all just pretty magical.  I eased up the reigns on myself and took a few days off physical therapy and had a chance to relax and enjoy myself. So then here it goes...my brother left on the 15th, my dad left on the 17th and now there is chaos. I struggled the day my dad left, feeling like I was some sort of a pit stop in everyone's life.  Someone you see in your spare time before your actual plans, someone you just say hi to when you're on vacation.  Once that's done you go on with your life as you would.  When do I get a vacation?  Where's my day off from having to have someone shove a plastic tube up my pee hole?  Do I get a day where I don't have to go down half a block to get onto a sidewalk because there's only one slope ramp per block? Alright alright so I threw myself a pity party and I know this isn't really the reality of it all but I was feeling down on myself.  At the end of the day I'm only complaining about the things I'm going to live with anyway.
Well the Sunday passed and I had the opportunity of meeting a lady who trains service dogs (which I was prepared to wait on a 2-5year waiting list for).  The thing is, these dogs are hard to come by and by chance I got to meet a lady who has a dog available for me immediately!  My mother, my carer definitely wasn't as excited.  After countless discussion, my reasoning never accomplished to mean anything as a terrible reality of how things MIGHT was developed in her mind. I love this woman to death and don't even have the words to express my awe and gratitude for her love and devotion.  Unfortunately as I've found with anyone who is fixed in their mind, there is no convincing them otherwise.  This was the first time we had flown back in time to when we used to fight all the time (which consists of major guilt tripping on her end and nods of defeat and tears from my end).  I guess I just don't understand how catastrophic adding a service dog to the picture is. I had never objected with what she wanted, avoiding confrontation and unneeded argument. I thought our relationship had improved, and it has but not to the extent I had imagined, as our peace was kept through avoidance and not communication.  For the first time I was truly passionate enough about something that I thought it was worthy of stirring up conflict. Things didn't go as I'd hoped but I'm still open to the possibility of change. Keep you posted.

LOVE.JULIA. 

gratitude, smiles and an illuminating full moon

Emotions have been kept away
Shhhh.
What am I hiding from?

It’s totally ok to feel. As frivolous as that may sound, I had simply forgotten. I hold my composure, not expressing too much. Not joy, not suffering, not even anger. I’ve become a master of masking emotion. Why?
I can’t even surrender to myself. I am the only one stopping me.
I burst out of my introvert shell and shared my love and caring feelings the other night, no expectations. It felt great. Silly how simple. I’d imagine it to be like walking around blind and suddenly deciding to simply open your eyes. Duh, I knew that's what my eyes were for, all I had to do was what was natural. The whole experience ended in gratitude, smiles and an illuminating full moon. There’s already enough judgment, I’ll just embrace the love.

LOVE.JULIA.

At times...

I rarely feel defeated. There are not a lot of instances that remind me that I am, in fact paralyzed. This past Tuesday was a rare occurrence where Tommy (my caregiver/friend) didn’t hear his alarm and did not show up to drive me to physical therapy… it just happened to be that day that I decided to go down to the car on my own to wait for his arrival, which I later realized was not going to happen. I sat there helpless, waiting on the service of another person to get to where I needed to be. I am forced to face the fact that ultimately my actions depend on others. This is one of the few instances that made me feel defeated. It had been a while since I had felt the moist trickle of a tear down my cheek.

LOVE. JULIA.

...

After I pushed away from friends, I’ve found myself back, listening to everyone’s problems and how everything’s falling apart for them. My not-so-compassionate self had repelled all these people, a part of me thinking their problems were less than the obvious struggles I have, thinking what kind of nerve they had to confide in me their superficial problems. At the present time, I find myself humbled, appreciating the fact that they do not see my obvious surface struggle and open their hearts to me as no other than a friend, a person. I can see that no struggle is more or less than another; they are struggles whichever way you look at it.

LOVE.JULIA.

Gratitude..

Life worth living, is something I’ve been repeatedly asking myself since I saw Doron Friday morning… I haven’t quite found the answer. I’m trying to find that reason that doesn't include “for ____”. It’s easy to say your life is for someone, but what makes you live for you? How can you be truly happy if you haven’t found that? I think that’s a link I’m missing to my progress. I can think of plenty of people I live for and I merely find tactics to cope with life.
How was Siddhartha so sure of himself and still able to get off track? Left with no sense of purpose.
Gratitude…if we are dead, does that even matter any more? Gratitude is a feeling right? Which means it comes from our mind? Does that mean it dies when our body dies?

What do people live for? That’s not work, family, friends, their car or anything materialistic for that matter? What is their purpose? I mean, their true purpose, one that their mind hasn't assigned to them.

Walking wont give a reason to live. Why do I want it so badly? Why do I want to be independent so badly? What is the attachment? The thing is, none of this REALLY matters. No matter how much emphasis I put on these things, my now doesn't change. I am still paralyzed. I am still dependent. I don't know that it is going to stay this way, but it is my now.

I’m not inspiration. I do what I have been given the opportunity to do. This is how I show my gratitude.

Maybe a life worth living is just a life you can be grateful for. I mean, why wouldn't you want to live if you felt grateful for everything you had?


[[this next paragraph was something i wrote maybe a week ago-- shows that without the practice of this awareness, one can become easily lost]]

!! I had a flash of clarity today.
We’ve often spoken about appreciating everything you have, right now, gratitude for it all. I understood this, I understand it. Directly related to this, though is no expectation! Our fault is when we are so used to something that we expect it to always be there and when we lose it, our lives are disturbed. It truly is about gratitude! When a faucet is turned on, we expect water to flow, but it’s not SUPPOSED to flow, it’s been perfectly designed to do this for our convenience. Aaaaaaaa, a sigh of relief.


LOVE.JULIA.

you.me.love.

People judge. I judge. I judge the people who judge. I judge them for judging. I sit there and contemplate why they are being so judgmental, but I then I move myself to a cloud above and see I am doing the same thing in which I am associating negativity with.


It’s all about compassion. When we’re faced with someone who is passionate about a feeling they have, why fill yourself with negativity by being disagreeable? Being understanding is one of the biggest challenges. We tend to take things so personally and get upset—let me tell you it’s not worth it. ‘Cause really, why are you so upset? Why is it so important?

---


Maybe I don't get so passionately upset because I don't get passionately happy. I strive to be happy with me. Not with celebrities, sports teams or writers; these are not me. I am not trying to be anyone. I don't want people to be me. I don't want anyone to follow. I am not a leader. I'm not looking for power. I'm not trying to influence anyone. We are all just beings of love.