I rarely feel defeated. There are not a lot of instances that remind me that I am, in fact paralyzed. This past Tuesday was a rare occurrence where Tommy (my caregiver/friend) didn’t hear his alarm and did not show up to drive me to physical therapy… it just happened to be that day that I decided to go down to the car on my own to wait for his arrival, which I later realized was not going to happen. I sat there helpless, waiting on the service of another person to get to where I needed to be. I am forced to face the fact that ultimately my actions depend on others. This is one of the few instances that made me feel defeated. It had been a while since I had felt the moist trickle of a tear down my cheek.
LOVE. JULIA.
Saturday, August 28, 2010
Friday, August 13, 2010
...
After I pushed away from friends, I’ve found myself back, listening to everyone’s problems and how everything’s falling apart for them. My not-so-compassionate self had repelled all these people, a part of me thinking their problems were less than the obvious struggles I have, thinking what kind of nerve they had to confide in me their superficial problems. At the present time, I find myself humbled, appreciating the fact that they do not see my obvious surface struggle and open their hearts to me as no other than a friend, a person. I can see that no struggle is more or less than another; they are struggles whichever way you look at it.
LOVE.JULIA.
LOVE.JULIA.
Saturday, June 26, 2010
Gratitude..
Life worth living, is something I’ve been repeatedly asking myself since I saw Doron Friday morning… I haven’t quite found the answer. I’m trying to find that reason that doesn't include “for ____”. It’s easy to say your life is for someone, but what makes you live for you? How can you be truly happy if you haven’t found that? I think that’s a link I’m missing to my progress. I can think of plenty of people I live for and I merely find tactics to cope with life.
How was Siddhartha so sure of himself and still able to get off track? Left with no sense of purpose.
Gratitude…if we are dead, does that even matter any more? Gratitude is a feeling right? Which means it comes from our mind? Does that mean it dies when our body dies?
What do people live for? That’s not work, family, friends, their car or anything materialistic for that matter? What is their purpose? I mean, their true purpose, one that their mind hasn't assigned to them.
Walking wont give a reason to live. Why do I want it so badly? Why do I want to be independent so badly? What is the attachment? The thing is, none of this REALLY matters. No matter how much emphasis I put on these things, my now doesn't change. I am still paralyzed. I am still dependent. I don't know that it is going to stay this way, but it is my now.
I’m not inspiration. I do what I have been given the opportunity to do. This is how I show my gratitude.
Maybe a life worth living is just a life you can be grateful for. I mean, why wouldn't you want to live if you felt grateful for everything you had?
[[this next paragraph was something i wrote maybe a week ago-- shows that without the practice of this awareness, one can become easily lost]]
!! I had a flash of clarity today.
We’ve often spoken about appreciating everything you have, right now, gratitude for it all. I understood this, I understand it. Directly related to this, though is no expectation! Our fault is when we are so used to something that we expect it to always be there and when we lose it, our lives are disturbed. It truly is about gratitude! When a faucet is turned on, we expect water to flow, but it’s not SUPPOSED to flow, it’s been perfectly designed to do this for our convenience. Aaaaaaaa, a sigh of relief.
LOVE.JULIA.
How was Siddhartha so sure of himself and still able to get off track? Left with no sense of purpose.
Gratitude…if we are dead, does that even matter any more? Gratitude is a feeling right? Which means it comes from our mind? Does that mean it dies when our body dies?
What do people live for? That’s not work, family, friends, their car or anything materialistic for that matter? What is their purpose? I mean, their true purpose, one that their mind hasn't assigned to them.
Walking wont give a reason to live. Why do I want it so badly? Why do I want to be independent so badly? What is the attachment? The thing is, none of this REALLY matters. No matter how much emphasis I put on these things, my now doesn't change. I am still paralyzed. I am still dependent. I don't know that it is going to stay this way, but it is my now.
I’m not inspiration. I do what I have been given the opportunity to do. This is how I show my gratitude.
Maybe a life worth living is just a life you can be grateful for. I mean, why wouldn't you want to live if you felt grateful for everything you had?
[[this next paragraph was something i wrote maybe a week ago-- shows that without the practice of this awareness, one can become easily lost]]
!! I had a flash of clarity today.
We’ve often spoken about appreciating everything you have, right now, gratitude for it all. I understood this, I understand it. Directly related to this, though is no expectation! Our fault is when we are so used to something that we expect it to always be there and when we lose it, our lives are disturbed. It truly is about gratitude! When a faucet is turned on, we expect water to flow, but it’s not SUPPOSED to flow, it’s been perfectly designed to do this for our convenience. Aaaaaaaa, a sigh of relief.
LOVE.JULIA.
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
you.me.love.
People judge. I judge. I judge the people who judge. I judge them for judging. I sit there and contemplate why they are being so judgmental, but I then I move myself to a cloud above and see I am doing the same thing in which I am associating negativity with.
It’s all about compassion. When we’re faced with someone who is passionate about a feeling they have, why fill yourself with negativity by being disagreeable? Being understanding is one of the biggest challenges. We tend to take things so personally and get upset—let me tell you it’s not worth it. ‘Cause really, why are you so upset? Why is it so important?
---
Maybe I don't get so passionately upset because I don't get passionately happy. I strive to be happy with me. Not with celebrities, sports teams or writers; these are not me. I am not trying to be anyone. I don't want people to be me. I don't want anyone to follow. I am not a leader. I'm not looking for power. I'm not trying to influence anyone. We are all just beings of love.
It’s all about compassion. When we’re faced with someone who is passionate about a feeling they have, why fill yourself with negativity by being disagreeable? Being understanding is one of the biggest challenges. We tend to take things so personally and get upset—let me tell you it’s not worth it. ‘Cause really, why are you so upset? Why is it so important?
---
Maybe I don't get so passionately upset because I don't get passionately happy. I strive to be happy with me. Not with celebrities, sports teams or writers; these are not me. I am not trying to be anyone. I don't want people to be me. I don't want anyone to follow. I am not a leader. I'm not looking for power. I'm not trying to influence anyone. We are all just beings of love.
Thursday, June 10, 2010
jumbled words.
Blank…
I’m actually brought here to this page in slight chaos… don't get me wrong, there have been no mishaps, no tragedies, just every day come and gone. Not happy, but that doesn't make me sad. Not excited, but not bummed. I just am… just here… just me. I’m not quite sure what that means but it’s made me more aware. When I put it like this it sounds so… general? I guess I’ve been given a prescription for my eyes to see our reality in clarity.
I’m really struggling to get this concept across.
We are so diverse. There are people consumed in the world of materialism while there are people who think they’re above it all and think they are saving the world by driving a Prius. There is the confident, the weak, the cruel, the kind, but that’s not even the point really… when all is said and done, these are all just words we have created to describe whatever it may be. We’ve associated everything with good, bad, pretty, ugly and on and on. Really, what are we doing? If these can just be left as words and not emotionally charged words we’d be set. Here we are getting upset over things because of the associations we’ve made with them.
Bleh… what do I know anyway? I’m just trying to get through this life in one piece.
LOVE.JULIA.
I’m actually brought here to this page in slight chaos… don't get me wrong, there have been no mishaps, no tragedies, just every day come and gone. Not happy, but that doesn't make me sad. Not excited, but not bummed. I just am… just here… just me. I’m not quite sure what that means but it’s made me more aware. When I put it like this it sounds so… general? I guess I’ve been given a prescription for my eyes to see our reality in clarity.
I’m really struggling to get this concept across.
We are so diverse. There are people consumed in the world of materialism while there are people who think they’re above it all and think they are saving the world by driving a Prius. There is the confident, the weak, the cruel, the kind, but that’s not even the point really… when all is said and done, these are all just words we have created to describe whatever it may be. We’ve associated everything with good, bad, pretty, ugly and on and on. Really, what are we doing? If these can just be left as words and not emotionally charged words we’d be set. Here we are getting upset over things because of the associations we’ve made with them.
Bleh… what do I know anyway? I’m just trying to get through this life in one piece.
LOVE.JULIA.
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Horse, all there is is horse
Sit comfortably and close your eyes. Breathe. Now breathe a little deeper. Knowing that Julia loves animals, I offer her to bring an animal into the vision of her mind. "Choose your favorite animal", I ask. "One that you really can feel love towards".
Breathing deeply as the image appears and becomes clearer.” Start with the head, and notice every detail of the animal. See the eyes, the fur, and the ears...keep going and really get to know this animal. Then follow the rest of the body. See every bit of the animal. Once the image is clear, once you can feel as if it is right there in front of you, keep it within the mind, maybe between the eyebrows, around the third eye."
Some silence, and time for deepening the image. Really allowing the image to fill up the whole concentration of the mind and all of its space. Dropping into this image, so that all that there exists is this animal. In Julia's case it's horse. As the mind drifts away, we return to horse. And again horse. Seeing it clearly, a sense of love and joy may appear.
Another thought might come in, and we return to horse, just horse. With practice we learn to tap into this deeper experience of concentration and content. Over time the image becomes more and more familiar associated with a good feeling, with calmness and relaxation. The image of the animal makes it easier to return to this state of clam and focus. We learn that just by bringing horse to mind, the signals of centeredness, focus, love ease etc. will be “attached” to the image. The mind will obey and release faster. When a distraction happens in life, we just drop into horse. Now every time the mind is agitated, all we need to do is close the eyes for a moment and return to horse. A sense of allowing, letting horse be, without interruptions.
Breathing deeply as the image appears and becomes clearer.” Start with the head, and notice every detail of the animal. See the eyes, the fur, and the ears...keep going and really get to know this animal. Then follow the rest of the body. See every bit of the animal. Once the image is clear, once you can feel as if it is right there in front of you, keep it within the mind, maybe between the eyebrows, around the third eye."
Some silence, and time for deepening the image. Really allowing the image to fill up the whole concentration of the mind and all of its space. Dropping into this image, so that all that there exists is this animal. In Julia's case it's horse. As the mind drifts away, we return to horse. And again horse. Seeing it clearly, a sense of love and joy may appear.
Another thought might come in, and we return to horse, just horse. With practice we learn to tap into this deeper experience of concentration and content. Over time the image becomes more and more familiar associated with a good feeling, with calmness and relaxation. The image of the animal makes it easier to return to this state of clam and focus. We learn that just by bringing horse to mind, the signals of centeredness, focus, love ease etc. will be “attached” to the image. The mind will obey and release faster. When a distraction happens in life, we just drop into horse. Now every time the mind is agitated, all we need to do is close the eyes for a moment and return to horse. A sense of allowing, letting horse be, without interruptions.
Friday, May 21, 2010
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